Sig line

"Begin doing what you want to do now. We are not living in eternity. We have only this moment, sparkling like a star in our hand - and melting like a snowflake."
~ Marie Beyon Ray

Thank Heaven It's Friday

I was awake until almost 5 a.m. and got up before 8. Here it is midnight and I haven't stopped all day. I did computer stuff all morning and then started watering the lawn. It's very dry here and they're suggesting people water lawns to cut down on fire danger. Considering I live on a pretty busy street with lots of cars - many of them being driven by idiots as best I can tell - it seemed like a good idea.

Right after lunch I took off for the office and a list of errands. I popped in to wish Diana a Happy Birthday and take her present in.

I had a dentist's appointment at 4 to get my two new caps. I'm still not completely satisfied with the color, but it's more natural looking and I'm not sure what else to do. I miss Jeff Rayl - he was an exceptional dentist. Thank goodness he did all the work in my mouth that's highly visible. It took about an hour to get the two caps on and I did not enjoy the experience.

Afterwards I went to dinner with Teresa and Julie. We went to Houlihans. I like the food, but they have no sense of timing. I told the waitress tonight - give me time to eat the salad - don't put my order in right away. That worked well. But before I had half the soup eaten, my pasta had arrived and was getting cold. Must we all shove the food down our gullets as quickly as possible, without bothering to chew, or heaven forbid actually enjoy the meal?

Sleep

I can't sleep... you'd know that if the time stamps on blogs ever worked properly but since they just randomly reset themselves I've given up on them ever being right. It's 4:32 a.m. I've been up nearly 24 hours and I'm not even especially tired yet.

I've been working on a ton of MHA things all day. The first of the year is a busy time for me and there is more to do than I have time to get done. To top it off, I have a conference next week and will be out of the office Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday.

I also spent about an hour on the phone with D-Link Support. Let me just say - do not purchase a 624M wireless router. I'm on my second one in less than 90 days. And, apparently, I'm about to be on my third one. Needless to say, at this point I'd like to get a different model as this one has some obvious problems.

I will say, however, that you get to talk to a real, live native English speaker when you call, which is a huge bonus. I don't care if you label me as politically incorrect, I freaking despise getting "Jason" in India (like I believe that's the name his mama gave him) who wants me to do very complex things to my computer and its various components when I'm spending 80% of my energy trying to figure out what in the hell he's saying. Just because you can say the words doesn't mean you can communicate.

Trust me, no one appreciates the difficulty of learning a second language more than me. But I don't want you practising it on me while we're talking about complex technical problems. If it were a simple problem I would have already figured it out. Duh. Chatting about the weather... the museum... where you live... great. Wiping my hard drive... no.

Well, it's time for me to head upstairs and go to bed. Even if I don't sleep, I need to rest. Fortunately, I've gotten a large amount of what was on tomorrow's to-do list accomplished already. But, there are still plenty of things that have to be done in the work day hours.

Games People Play

I have this little game I play when I'm driving long distances. I will flip through radio stations with a question in my mind - maybe about a situation or a person or whatever. I make this little deal with myself that the second or the third or whatever number song will have some significance for me with regard to this question.

On the recent drive, I was doing this as I was driving on Highway 60 across southern Missouri. Twice I asked the same question and had the same song come up three songs later in answer to it. The question was about a relationship in my life. The song was "When I Get Where I'm Going."

I just went and got the lyrics online to consider them more carefully. It came up twice on different stations, in response to the same question, within an hour.

Why don't I ever get the simple answers like, "Here's a Quarter, Call Someone Who Cares," "He ain't worth missing," or "Mama, don't let your babies grow up to be cowboys?" Those are all much clearer directives. Regardless, none of those happened to be the song that came up...

Maybe this is why I rarely listen to the radio except when I'm driving.

When I Get Where I'm Going
Artist/Band: Brad Paisley - with Dolly Parton

When I get where I'm going
On the far side of the sky
The first thing that I'm gonna do
Is spread my wings and fly

I'm gonna land beside a lion
And run my fingers through his mane
Or I might find out what it's like
To ride a drop of rain

(Chorus:)
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
I will shed the sins and struggles
I have carried all these years
And I'll leave my heart wide open
I will love and have no fear
Yeah when I get where I'm going
Don't cry for me down here

I'm gonna walk with my grand daddy
And he'll match me step for step
And I'll tell him how I missed him
Every minute since he left
Then I'll hug his neck

(Chorus)

So much pain and so much darkness
In this world we stumble through
All these questions I can't answer
So much work to do

But when I get where I'm going
And I see my maker's face
I'll stand forever in the light
Of his amazing grace
Yeah when I get where I'm going
There'll be only happy tears
Hallelujah
I will love and have no fear
When I get where I'm going
Yeah when I get where I'm going

Fathers

When I was 36, fathers came up in casual conversation. Someone asked how long my father had been dead. I did the math and said "25 years."

In that very moment I thought... "wow... a quarter of a century... I've been an idiot for holding onto the pain I have about this relationship... it's stupid. Who do I think I'm hurting? He has rotted in the ground and I'm walking around every day pissed at him? How freaking stupid is that?" So, I stopped. Right then and there. I put an immediate end to that foolishness.

And you know what, in a few months I started to appreciate that some of the things I like about myself - like my sense of humor and the fact that I'm very sociable - are traits my father had. I started to appreciate the fact that he had a multi-racial crew at his sawmill in the 50s when, as one of the men who worked for him told me just a few months ago, "Jack Terrell was the only white man in the county then who'd hire a black man and pay him a decent wage."

Yeah, you know what, he was a crappy father in many ways. He had some issues and problems and loads of stuff I'm not going to go into in this public forum. But, hey, he was human. And he was funny and witty and when he died people missed him. The funeral home was overflowing with flowers - some from people my family didn't even know.

I'm convinced parents do the best they can every day with who they are at the time. They may not love us the way we want to be loved, but they love us the best way they know now. I can accept the good and let go of the bad or I can continue to carry around the weight of what he "did to me." He didn't do anything to me. He was just going through life being the broken person he was, like we all are. "Give it a rest" and "Let it Lie" was some of the best advice I've ever given myself.

I see people who want to define themselves as victims and survivors and from dysfunctional families and dozens of other labels. We're all bigger than any of those things - if we let ourselves be.

There's the old joke about wanting to get a support group of people from dysfunctional families together and the answer is - there already is one - it's the people on the freeway in the morning. Who didn't grow up in a dysfunctional family? I don't know a single person. Yes, some is more severe than others, but moving every few years, or having a father who was homebound from a car accident, or a mother who was running rum when it was illegal, or a father who was an alcoholic, or a dozen other things I can count among my friends, is all dysfunction. As I'm so fond of telling people, "ain't nobody living in a Norman Rockwell painting."

I'm not sure why we want to carry this pain around, but it seems to be something we get a benefit from. I certainly carried it around for years. I'm fundamentally different because I moved beyond that limiting view.

Is it all tidied up with a neat bow tied around it? Hell no. I'm 44 and I've never been married. Do the math on that one. Commitment is difficult for me. Life seems very temporary. Think maybe my father's absence and early death has anything to do with that? Probably. But I'm an adult and I have to take responsibility for my own life. I've had long term relationships and I've loved fully - with abandon - and I will again. Do I have issues with men? Hell yes. Does every other woman I know? Pretty much.

Men and women are different creatures and to consider that the bad relationship you had with your father is the only reason you're not completely in sync with a man is insane. I'm not saying it helps anything - but hey, we can't all live Jessica Simpson's perfect life with her daddy giving her a ring to be the man in her life until she got married with her virginity in tact. Oh, wait, her life with men isn't perfect either - she's getting divorced - and she lost the ring daddy gave her. I mean, really, it's great that her father was that kind of man. I'm just saying it's rare. And, in the end, it doesn't seem to equal happiness in relationships.

I'm not a parent, but really think most of them are just doing the best the can. It may not be what we hope for, but it's what we have, and we just have to work with it.

Home

I got home this afternoon about 5:00. All was well at home and at the office. I went straight to the office and worked until about 6:30. I haven't done much around the house tonight and haven't even unloaded the car. I'm weary.

I think mostly I'm weary about the idea of getting back to "normal life." I love my life, but it can wear a person out at times. The first of the year is a very busy time for me with work. I'm looking at the month of January and have only three free nights.

One of the things I'm going to be doing in this coming year is pulling back from some of the things I'm involved with. I must focus more energies on my writing and recording. I only have so much time that is not rented by my employer and I must use it judiciously.

Overall it is good to be home. It was very relaxing at Mary Ann and Jackie's house - I slept late and piddled around - but I do have a life going that requires some attention.

When I go to Kentucky, I often think about moving back there. I love some of the wonderful old homes in downtown Paducah. I think I've got one more house redo in me. Of course, that's said with more confidence than I might feel if I ever get this one done. All I need is a bunch of money - then it would be much easier.

But, as much as I identify with Kentucky and as much as I am a southerner at my core, I cannot find a place I belong in the area where I grew up. My views are so very different than many in my family that it's probably easier for them to not have my views "in their faces" all the time.

We never have any difficulties - I am very respectful - but that is "their territory," if you will. It's not appropriate for me to live in their territory and profess completely different views. It was their territory long before I came along. It's almost incumbent on the ones who are different to leave, so the family can preserve what it is about. Communities are small, close knit, and when someone in a family stands out as a "sore thumb" it's hard on everyone else. Maybe that's why I never returned there. Small communities are a prime example of "no man is an island."

I am blessed that I adore my family. I would never want to hurt them in any way. And if I lived there, it would be a constant "threat" to them because they would not know what I might say or do publicly that they would disagree with and then they'd have to deal with that with their friends. It would make them live "on edge" a bit, wondering what I might say or do. That would be a rude thing to do on my part. And I would not presume to do such a thing.

I don't agree with the majority of people in Kansas, either, but it doesn't hurt my family when my letters to the editor are published. It doesn't hurt them when I'm speaking at some event, putting forth views that would force them to "explain"it to their friends.

I am a person who seems to continually find myself in jobs - paid or voluntary - that lead to a public life on a small scale. And I have no reason to believe that that would be any different if I lived there.

But, it's wonderful I can go and visit and renew myself at the river. The confluence of the Ohio and Mississippi Rivers is a place I return to repeatedly. Standing on the bank, looking at the ripple in the water where the rivers join forces, is restorative to me.



I took this photo yesterday. I am standing in Illinois. Across the water on the left is Kentucky. Across the water on the right is Missouri. You can see the ripple in the water, and the color difference between the Ohio and Mississippi rivers.

This is at Cairo, Illinois. When I was young, this was where we went to shop. The town has really deteriorated in the last few years. It's a pity. You may recognize the name of the town from Mark Twain's writing. And, yes, it is named for the Egyptian town, although it's pronounced differently.

In November of 1803, Lewis and Clark spent five days here with their men, learning to use celestial navigational as well as other tools. They made their first latitude and longitude measurements at the confluence of the rivers. All maps made from their data began at this point. At the time of their expedition the confluence was in what is now Cairo, north of where it is today. Rivers are a living thing and their courses change. And, of course, the Lewis and Clark expedition was before the earthquake of 1811 that caused the Mississippi to run backwards for three days.



In 2001, I gave pieces of driftwood I gathered at the river to some friends with the following piece I wrote.

I am a person of rivers.

For those of us born to rivers, they are life itself. We speak of them reverently. We fear them. We cherish them. We are drawn to them by a force we cannot comprehend but have no choice but to obey. They flow through our souls. They define us.

We go to the river for strength, for guidance, for solace. We cannot possibly find our way in the world without returning to the river periodically. It beckons to us. We cannot deny its call. We learn at a young age that there's no point in even trying. Not that we want to anyway. The river knows when we are away from it too long. It summons us home.

We gather at the riverside for family celebrations, baptisms, and catharsis. We have rituals, public and private, that are carried out only on those banks.

The confluence of the Ohio and Mississippi Rivers is a place I return to when I've lost my way in the world. I have said prayers of thanksgiving and prayers of entreatment from the same spot. I have sought direction and consolation. I will do both again as long as I walk upon this Earth.

I gathered this driftwood on an April Day of 2001 with the idea of sharing it with a few special friends at Christmastime. I had no idea then how profoundly changed I would be by the end of this year. My life will never be the same as it was that day.

I can't give you the river. I can't even explain its attraction for those of us born to it. But I want to share with you a small token of it. May this driftwood encourage you to visit what restores you.

I hope the holidays are a time of joy for you and yours this Christmas.

Patsy
Christmas 2001

__________

While I was driving, I heard this song on the radio for the first time. The line regarding "muddy water" makes it appropriate to share here. This song definitely sums up my feelings about my place of birth.

Boondocks
Karen Fairchild/Kimberly Roads/Phillip Sweet/Jimi Westbrook/Wayne Kirkpatrick)

I feel no shame
I'm proud of where I came from
I was born and raised in the boondocks
One thing I know
No matter where I go
I keep my heart and soul in the boondocks

And I can feel that
Muddy water running through my veins
And I can hear that
Lullaby of a midnight train
It sings to me and
It sounds familiar

I feel no shame
I'm proud of where I came from
I was born and raised in the boondocks
One thing I know
No matter where I go
I keep my heart and soul in the boondocks

And I can taste that
Honeysuckle and it's still so sweet
When it grows wild
On the banks down an old camp creek
Yeah, and it calls to me like a warm wind blowing

I feel no shame
I'm proud of where I came from
I was born and raised in the boondocks
One thing I know
No matter where I go
I keep my heart and soul in the boondocks

It's where I learned about living
It's where I learned about love
It's where I learned about working hard
And having a little was just enough

It's where I learned about Jesus
And knowing where I stand
You can take it or leave it
This is me
This is who I am

Give me a tin roof
A front porch and a
Gravel road
And that's home to me
It feels like home to me

I feel no shame
I'm proud of where I came from
I was born and raised in the boondocks
One thing I know
No matter where I go
I keep my heart and soul in the boondocks

I keep my heart and soul in the boondocks

You get a line
I'll get a pole
We'll go fishing in the
Crawfish hole
Five-card poker on a Saturday night
Church on Sunday morning

You get a line
I'll get a pole
We'll go fishing in the
Crawfish hole
(Down in the boondocks)
Five-card poker on a Saturday night
Church on Sunday morning

You get a line
I'll get a pole
We'll go fishing in the
Crawfish hole
(Down in the boondocks)
Five-card poker on a Saturday night
Church on Sunday morning
(Say a little prayer for me)

A Joplin Visit

I'm in Joplin tonight at Greg's mom's house. I adore Miss Joy. She's been a big part of my life for a very long time and I never get enough of her.

The drive was uneventful - thankfully - my favorite kind of utlitarian trip.

Tomorrow I head home where my house is still in major Christmas mode. It will be some weeks before I have a weekend in which to denude the tree and convert my home to a non-yuletide spot. But, it will happen when it happens.

I hope your 2006 is off to a good start.